Today is the last day of March. And while most people are scheming and planning the pranks that they will play on their loved ones and co-workers tomorrow, I am planning how to avoid them. I hate practical jokes with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. I think it's mostly because they work really well on me. It's because I am so trusting. So literal. So gullible. Plus, I startle easily.
And so tomorrow I will spend the entire day on Joke Alert: threat level fuchsia.
I will not believe anything anyone says to me all day, nomatterwhat.
I will double and triple check all chairs before I sit on them.
I will look in my shoes before I put them on.
I will walk through all doorways very very slowly.
I will not put any condiments that have not been in my possession all day on any of my meals.
I will be hyper-aware of everyone's facial expressions. If your eye is twitching even a tiny bit, like you might be holding in a smile while you are talking to me, I will probably just turn and walk away from you.
Picture me stumbling through my day, hollow-eyed, shivering and muttering to myself. Must not be gullible... must keep guard up... never relax.