How Grown Ups Make Decisions

I will, sometime in the coming months, gain access to an assload of money. At least I think that's the correct unit of measurement -- bigger than a chunk, less than a fortune. Enough to make the average game show contestant leap into the air and embrace the host, not enough to retire. Anyway. I kind of have to decide soonish what the best use of this money will be.

The government is going to want a large portion of it in taxes if I don't bundle it all away into a savings or investment plan until my dotage. And it seems like I'll probably want to have some money when I am old and feeble and no longer able to earn my keep by answering phones. So there's that. A retirement fund?

But it has also been pointed out to me that I could use some of that money to procure myself the kind of education that would allow me to earn my keep in a manner more lucrative and fulfilling than answering phones. So there's that. Go back to school?

But another point that keeps nagging at me is that my house is a moldy, rodent-infested craphole and a good portion of that money could be used for much needed home improvement projects. So there's that. Fix up the house?

Then again. Why throw money at a craphole? Why not walk away from the craphole and use the money for a down payment on a less crappy, less infested house where I wouldn't have to share one tiny bathroom with four smelly males with bad aim? So... New house?

I know nothing about money management, having never had any to manage in the past. I don't know an IRA from my elbow, and my mind wanders off and starts imagining how many bags of potato chips, trips to Tahiti, and diamond-encrusted tiaras I could buy with all that money every time someone tries to explain it to me. But I feel like this is one time in my life that I need to step up and act like a grown up person and make a well thought out, informed decision.

So what do you think, Internet? What should I do with the money? C'mon. If I can't trust you, who can I trust?