My REAL Resume

I have worked at a grocery store in the health food department where I learned how to make fresh-squeezed orange juice and that bleached Barbie-colored undercut 80's hair looks super-pretty with a uniform shirt under fluorescent lights. And then at an art supply store where I stifled my crippling shyness just enough to interact with customers and realized that I kind of dig people. And then as a YMCA gymnastics instructor where I taught kids gymnastics and I learned that it was a good thing I never wanted to be a cheerleader in school. One of the other instructors was a dude cheerleader and he used to try to practice lifts on me. I'd get upside down in the air, balanced on his hand in the small of my back and then spaz out like a cat falling off a book shelf. Then at a stationery store in upscale mall where I learned that what it feels like to be looked through and at a party store where I learned how to make balloon centerpieces. Also at a futon shop where I learned that there are people who believe that you should not listen to rock music while making futons, because the futons will absorb the negative energy from the music and pass it on to the future owners of the bed in their sleep. And that there are jobs out there that it might be better to show up for stoned. And then back at that same art supply store as the assistant manager where I called 911 a lot and fell in love. But said no, because it was the right thing to do. Then a frame shop where I fell in love again, but this time with picture framing. And learned that people collect strippers' underpants and get them framed. And at a garden center where I once set up and decorated thirty artificial Christmas trees in one week. Then I was the manager of a craft store frame shop. It was the first time that I was the boss of people old enough to be my parents. That was weird. Then, briefly, at a fancy shmancy frame shop. Where I learned that it's best to avoid working for a divorced couple that own a business together, no matter how good the art is. And then at a different art supply store where I was the manager and got to move the store from one mall to another and redesign the logo. It was also the first time I had to fire someone. Next there was the major department store buying office where I wore suits and pantyhose and felt like an alien but I learned a crapload about business and computers and databases and people. Then at a local weekly newspaper which was a little bit like being lion tamer, a hostage negotiator, and a preschool teacher all at once. I was good at it and I mostly liked it, but a friend who worked there with me said it made me "pointy." Then I went back to school for a little while and worked at a racing bicycle catalog where I learned that they make those ass-padding bicycle shorts in XXXXL and lost my desire to ever ride a bike again, but those two things weren't really related. And then I was an advertising agency receptionist, and as good of a work experience that was, my husband worked there too, and that made it really hard. And then I got a job at a flower shop, and I discovered that this is the thing that I am awesome at. But I also learned that just because you are awesome at something, it doesn't mean that you can run a successful business. My employer did not, and she could not afford to keep me on. It was the first time I was ever laid off and I was crushed. So then I had a go at self employment. I did flowers for weddings for my friends and friends of my friends. And I guess I still would except that every single one of my friends is already married. I love doing it, but I've never really made any money at it.  Then I got a job at another frame shop, where I met one of the best friends that I have ever had, and loved the job, but left when I adopted my son. And now I work at another advertising agency. And I won't say anything about this, cause I don't want to get in trouble.