Relief

I took a lot of grief (at home) for my decision to give up on our blogeverysingledaynomatterwhat thing that we had going on, but I gotta say, after taking just two days to breathe, I feel so much better.

You see, my dad just died, suddenly, unexpectedly. Young.

And my dad and I had a rather complicated and rocky relationship that we will now never get a chance to straighten out. So every day, when I sat down to write, all I could think about was this. And how I was ever going put it all into words and how overwhelming it all was, and how sad and angry I was. And since I couldn't get it all out, shape all those feelings into a neat and tidy blog post, I just sat with it and stewed. The same thoughts and phrases chasing around in my head over and over.

Jeezus, it was depressing. Really.

In a rare moment of self awareness and maturity, I decided I needed to step away from it. Even though it meant letting Eric win the bet (although I know he missed days and cheater-re-dated them, so technically I really won a long time ago.) And after two days of no blogging or obsessing about it, my stomach has finally loosened its knots and I feel like I can breathe a little bit easier.

...........................

And I never meant that I was giving up on blogging, I just meant that on those nights when I'm sitting in bed with my laptop and my mind is a complete blank, I'm just going to go ahead and not write about the fact that my mind is blank. Cause who wants to read that seven days a week, really?

Ok, fine. How about I just take the weekends off?

This is my all time favorite song ever. I first heard it in 1987 when I saw the video on 120 Minutes on MTV when Mom and I first moved to Indiana. You couldn't get cable where we lived in Minnesota, it was too far away from everything.

I was 15, Dad had just left, David had moved to Minneapolis with Stephanie and it was just me and Mom. I went from living in the woods in the middle of nowhere to living in a large town just across the border from Chicago. From a school with like, 500 kids to a school with something in the 2000 range.

I could have been starring in my own coming of age/good girl gone bad/after school special by the way I crossed over to the dark side.

Uncle

It's been five months.

I've blogged every single day for five months (except for the day Dad died) and I would say I'm proud of about four of those posts. I feel rushed every night to spit something out so I can get on with more important things. And that really sucks balzac because writing used to be important to me.

And so, I think, I will cry uncle. I will admit defeat. Concede. Which is hard for me. I'm stubborn, and a sore loser. Eric is going to gloat and I will be obliged to avenge myself by chewing food and showing it to him on my tongue.

I will write when I have something to say. When I have time to proof read and spell check. When I'm not exhausted, headachey, or hormonal.

There are a lot of things I'd like to try to write about; I want to impress you all with more of my awesome recipes for foods that others think are weird until they try them (with pictures!). I'd like to try to write some reviews - something I've never done before. I want the internet to know about the books that I want to crawl inside of and read for the first time over and over again, and the music that makes my heart spin inside my chest. I want to try to put my relationship with my dad into words - and say a proper goodbye to him. And I'm going to try to stop starting sentences with "and".

All these things deserve more than the ten minutes of attention I can squeeze in at the end of the day (Well, maybe not the food thing, it probably only deserves about 8 minutes.)

And you, yes, you deserve better.

TV

I used to be a huge TV addict. Before I had kids (and when they were too small to know what I was doing) I would watch TV every day.  In fact, I watched so much TV that I deemed the DVR a necessity in my life. That way I could record any shows that happened to be on simultaneously while also being free to hold down a 9 to 5 job and go out for the occasional drink. Somehow that's all stopped.

I had a rare evening at home alone tonight. I figured I'd sit down and see what was on the DVR.  I started at the top of the list (well almost the top, there are couple episodes of Buffy that I recorded last year some time that I've been hanging on to.) It was House. And there were Michelle Bachman campaign commercials on (not her wanting to get elected, just her saying mean things about someone who did.)

So, turns out I haven't watched TV since October.

Not technically true, cause any new Dr. Who episode gets watched instantly. And the kids force me to watch Little Bear with them at least once a week. But Jeez. How did I ever manage to keep up with all those other, slightly less awesome shows? And. How do I not miss all the stuff that I used to find so unmissable that I paid large amounts of money for cable and DVR?

Bed

I think there might be a kid in here somewhere.

Recipe #1

What do you do when you have a running dare to post something every single day, but since you've got nothing but depressing shit to say, you don't feel like writing?

You talk about food.

Eric says I eat weird things.  I say he's wrong. I will let the internet decide.

Take one plain grocery store bagel.
Toast it.
Spread a generous layer of plain cream cheese on both sides.
Sprinkle just a little bit of salt onto one cheesed side of the bagel.
Smash one Reese's Peanut Butter Cup between the sides of the bagel.
Enjoy.

Now tell me, is this not heaven?

Not Tonight

Some blog posts just write themselves.
This isn't one of them.

Rx

How we cheer ourselves up after a week of sadness, bitter cold and headaches:

Two giant bowls of Vietnamese soup, and
Eric buys himself a zombie shooting video game.
I buy new sheets.

Home

Back from the funeral and more tired than I have ever been in my life.

Telling Stories

With Dad's brother and sisters and my cousins. It feels like someone's missing.

And he is.

Ready as I'll Ever Be

Getting stuff together to leave early tomorrow and drive up for the funeral.

Car snacks... check.
Toothbrush... check.
Black dress... check.

Oh?

Have I never mentioned that I'm a crack shot with a BB gun?

Christmas at Dad's

Gah.

Bahhhghgh. Blaarggh. Fllllllurgh.

Bluub.

Yep. That about sums it up

Goodfellow

He offered to take a hit out on my ex-husband when he found out that he had been cheating on me - and I'm pretty sure he was serious.

Blood upon the Risers

When I was in third grade Mrs. Stearns called my mom to ask her where I learned the words to this song and to ask that I stop teaching it to all the kids in my class.



Dad was a paratrooper in Vietnam. He jumped out of mother fucking airplanes. With people shooting at him.

Dad

Dad's Parachute

Free, to a Good Home

Dad died suddenly Tuesday evening. He and his wife lived a few hours north of me, and I feel a little at a loss for things to do to help with planning and details from here.

To that end, my brother and I have taken on the task of  relocating some of Dad's superfluous pets. The giant tank full of aquarium fish and the turtles shouldn't be too big of a problem. Most pet stores will take them, I hear. But what do we do with Grumpy, Dad's seven foot long adult alligator?

Too bad it's not like the time he got tired of having a dog kennel full of flying squirrels. It's not like we can just open the door to Grumpy's solarium and wish him luck in the world.

I have no words yet

My dad died yesterday.

Care of Beth.

Hi - This is Eric. There will be no blogging tonight; family things going on. Beth is very committed and didn't want to miss a day, so I'm logging in on her behalf.

Jai Ho!

I am in love with Just Dance 2 on the Wii. But Garp forbid that I ever see myself dancing. In my head, I'm awesome. I'm afraid the reality would be too much to bear.

More Basement

Here are the promised pictures of the painted basement. It's already a nicer room to be in. And I think it makes the Wii nicer too - it told me I lost five pounds.

The lazy painter

We painted the basement today. And after a false start with a creamy warm white, we went with a fairly safe pale sage green color.  I'd tell you more but my sinus headache has come back and besides, I think Eric is writing something that will be much better.

I do have pictures for you, but am already in bed and there is little short of a house fire that could get me up right now and my USB cord is waaaay over there. I can't reach it.

Tomorrow.

Soup

When I get sick I always want to eat really spicy foods to clear my sinuses.

The problem, though, with eating delicious hot Tom Yum soup to clear your head, is that it only works while you eat it. So you keep eating long after you're full.

And then your belly is as full of mock duck and soup as your head is full of boogers and mucus.

Rock Head

I am the kind of sick where it's not super obvious that I'm sick. Except for the sexy-husky voice I used to read Winnie the Pooh to Merry tonight. But my head feels so heavy, like it's full of rocks - and not just the one tiny one that's been there since I was two.

I fell down the basement stairs in the old farmhouse we lived in when I was tiny, and smacked my head on the cement floor. Mom just slapped a band-aid on me, but it turns out that there was a little rock wedged in there when it healed. So, I have a rock in my head.

it's tiny

Right now it feels like the rock is about a brazillion times that size.

The Blog Flu

I think I'm finally coming down with the virus that's been making its way through all the blogs I read lately, so I'm tucking myself into bed with my vodka spiked Emergen-C and a DVD of the new PBS Sherlock series.

Think healthy thoughts for me, I don't have any sick days.

The Basement, continued

 

I went a little sample crazy. Right now I'm leaning toward Amethyst Haze, the purplish-gray one over there on the left, toward the bottom. No, not that one. The other one.

I'm not proud

Eric and I purged the house of all Christmas cookies, gingerbread houses and candy canes. Then I did the Wii for an hour. Now I'm considering digging through the garbage for a reward snack.

We like hats Pt. 2

We like hats Pt. 1