Not now, maybe later

I would like very much to tell you about our trip but I'm all ouched and tired and cranky right now.

Weekend Plans?

Just get in the car and drive. We'll see how far we get.

Yesterday Blew

Yesterday:
The check engine light came on in my car.
I found out I didn't get the job I have been hoping for.
My hairstylist interpreted my quip about not wanting "mom hair" to mean I wanted to look like Kristen Stewart in The Runaways.

I can't think of title for this.

It's weird to have two kids, one adopted, one not. I tend to analyze the nature vs. nurture thing all the time.  And I question myself and my motives. Do I treat them differently? Do I love them differently?  Lucas is often a mystery to me. Is it because he's a boy? Or because he's an oddball six year old, or is it some deep biological bond that I just don't have with him? Do I relate better to Merry because I grew her with my lady bits? I don't know.

The other day, Lucas was looking at a poster that he had brought home from his week of being the superstar in his kindergarten class. It had pictures of him and his sister and his pets and a map, showing where he was born, Guatemala, and where he lives now, Minneapolis. And he goes, "I wish we could go to Guatemala. I miss my parents."

Lucas has no memory of his birth parents. And I know what he said is just his way of processing the understanding that I didn't give birth to him, and there is someone else out there in the world who did, but man, ouch! And of course, I knew this was coming. Just like I can probably count on at least one teenage tantrum with him yelling, "You're not my real mom!" Probably several. But I was really surprised by how much it hurt.

I had to go in the bathroom and cry a little.

Waiting

Up until now I have been kind of tiptoeing around the fact that I am trying to find a new job. The one I have now is soul-crushing and toxic and oh my god! it bores me to tears. I've worked there as long as I have because I pass my insecurity off as laziness and apathy. I tell myself that it's easier to work where I do than it is to job search and change everything. But really? I never finished college. And job hunting without a degree makes you feel like a leper. Even though I honestly have my shit together, work wise. You should totally hire me.

Anyway. There's this job that I first interviewed for back in March. I never heard back. But then a few weeks ago, they called me to tell me that they had hired someone else for that position but that now they had another opening for a similar position. I interviewed for that one and I thought it went well. He said he would be traveling a lot over the next few days but that he would be making his decision by the next week. So when that week came and went, I assumed that again, I hadn't gotten the job. Then a few days later, I received an email from him asking me when I could start, if I were hired. And then another week went by. Nothing. And then yesterday he sent me another email to ask when I would be available for a phone conversation. He never called me, but later in the day he did send me an application form so they could call my references. And again, I am waiting to hear back. Or not.

(Dude really needs to hire me because he is in obvious, desperate need of an assistant.)

All of this is really just an especially long winded excuse for why I haven't been blogging lately. It's distracting the fuck out of me.

Talk to Me

If there's anything funnier than my daughter singing along with this song in her car seat, I don't know what it is.

Lucas, photographer

It took me several minutes to figure out that this is shot of Merry's dollhouse

Sad Sandwich

When someone dies, after the initial grief, when you go back to your daily life and new problems arise and are solved and things just keep going you don't always remember what you've lost. And then...

Lucas asked me for a peanut butter and pickle sandwich the other day. Something I've never eaten and don't know where he got the idea for. And I thought to myself, Dad will get a kick out of that. He loves those and it's practically the only meal he ever makes for himself.

But he won't. And he doesn't. And he's gone.

I'm just like I dunno. Ya know?

There has been much internet slacking lately on my part. The outdoors and books and stuff have been dragging me away, I guess. So here's a little update.

We had a nice weekend, taking the kids to an Arbor Day celebration at a park and getting some seedlings to plant -- then going home and realizing I have nowhere to put them. I mean three hemlocks and a sugar maple? There will be no yard left.

Then a nice Mother's Day with pineapple upside down cake and sweet gifts from Eric and the kids. I had joked with Lucas while we were watching TV and one of those horrible jewelry store commercials came on that I expected a Mother's Day diamond. Boy has a killer memory, and knew that I wanted a "gem", so he picked out a pretty amethyst geode at the rock store for me.

And as for that other thing? I still don't know.

ANTM

Yesterday morning, as I was sitting at my desk, putting the finishing touches on the spreadsheet that I had been working on for three days, the art director came to me and asked me if I wanted to be a model.

Finally. Just like that, I was discovered.

Of course, I said yes.

I was whisked away to the photo studio where I was shown my wardrobe: a large men's shirt, jeans, a big black rubber apron, bright green rubber gloves, safety glasses and men's size 10 rubber boots. I felt like a princess. And then came make up, my hair tied into a messy knot on top of my head and water from a spray bottle on my forehead to make me look sweaty. How lucky am I? Every girl dreams of this, right?

So as I was put into the shot, handed my mop and given my direction -- Look pissed. Look like you hate your job. Look like you're tired and your back aches and you're disgusted with this and you're about to quit -- everything that I've learned from Tyra after watching all those seasons of America's Next Top Model ran through my head. I threw myself into the part. I modeled H to T (head to toe) and I smized (smiled with my eyes.) I extended my neck and I pointed my toes and I became a manual laborer who is sick and tired of stripping the wax off of these floors using this old and outdated equipment. Tyra would have been so proud of me.

And as I stood there for three long hours, with my (actually) aching back and my hands sweating in the giant rubber gloves, shot after shot, turn your chin to the left a little, no, too much. There. Now look mad, it became easier and easier.

Everybody said I was a natural.

I just can't wait to see my face in a magazine. Look for me soon in such glamorous publications as Cleaning and Maintenance Management and Today's Facility Manager.

First Practice

My Weekend

It was a busy weekend, with Eric going to World Tai Chi day event on Saturday morning while I busily parked myself on the couch with a book, and then attending a benefit that evening where he was singing with his band. Which? Leave it to me to not realize until an hour before we left that benefits are generally fancy affairs. People pay $75 for a ticket to a party and they are going to use that as an excuse to dress the fuck up. I was underdressed. But Eric had the ladies flashing their hoohaws at him by evening's end. My boyfriend's such a rockstar.

Sunday, Eric dragged me to the May Day parade. I generally avoid these events. I'm a little too cynical to really throw myself into the spirit of hippies cramming their political message down my throat with puppets, especially since we sat on the curb for over three hours in 35 degree weather. But there were highlights (the dogs) and I ended up enjoying it in spite of myself. Eric posted a bunch of pictures.

Everybody think good thoughts for me, please. I had another one of those things which must not be named on the internet on Friday and OMG. I. want. it.