Things I omitted from Lucas's adoption story, cause I was trying to stay on target.
1. One of the main difficulties that I had when writing up all the paperwork for our adoption dossier was the question: Why do you want to be a parent?
How do you answer that?
Because I have a hole in my heart that I believe a child will fill?
Because it's a basic biological urge?
Because I'd really like someone I can pass all my neurosis on to?
But honestly, how do you answer that? I would rant and rave about how unfair it was that I had to be judged worthy to be a parent, to justify my ability and my right to raise children when people around the world and throughout history just had sex and then figured it out as they went, without being fingerprinted by a cop first.
Looking back, I think mostly it was a lot of left over resentment and feelings of inadequacy from not being able to get knocked up successfully. But I'd get so steamed up about it every time I sat down to write my answers that I couldn't write what I thought they wanted to hear. Which was another thing. OF COURSE everyone is going to write what they think the adoption powers that be want to hear. No one's going to admit that they want a kid so they have someone who they can make scratch their back for an hour and half everyday.
2. A little over a year after Lucas came home, during the last gasping breaths of our marriage, I got pregnant and had a daughter. Surprise.