Thursday, March 31, 2011

April Fool

Today is the last day of March. And while most people are scheming and planning the pranks that they will play on their loved ones and co-workers tomorrow, I am planning how to avoid them. I hate practical jokes with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. I think it's mostly because they work really well on me. It's because I am so trusting. So literal. So gullible. Plus, I startle easily.

And so tomorrow I will spend the entire day on Joke Alert: threat level fuchsia.

I will not believe anything anyone says to me all day, nomatterwhat.
I will double and triple check all chairs before I sit on them.
I will look in my shoes before I put them on.
I will walk through all doorways very very slowly.
I will not put any condiments that have not been in my possession all day on any of my meals.
I will be hyper-aware of everyone's facial expressions. If your eye is twitching even a tiny bit, like you might be holding in a smile while you are talking to me, I will probably just turn and walk away from you.

Picture me stumbling through my day, hollow-eyed, shivering and muttering to myself. Must not be gullible... must keep guard up... never relax.